10 Things About Pizes
by venustus99
Summary: A alternate meeting for Puck and Lauren through their friends Sam and Mercedes. Based very loosely on 10 Things I Hate About You. This is a one-shot that was written for Pizes Week on tumblr a while ago.


When Artie needed to take a restroom break, Mike and Finn jumped up to their designated jobs to helping him up the basement stairs. Having their weekly xbox tournaments in the Hudson-Hummel basement was not the best when it came to accessibility, but Finn had the sweetest game set up of any of the boys, so they figured out an arrangement and it worked well. Sam took the moment he was alone with his mohawked friend to talk to him about a private matter.

"Hey man, you like all types of girls, right?" He could feel his ears heating and he knew he was already blushing. "I mean like physical types?"

Puck didn't even lift his eyes to meet Sam's, instead keeping his focus on the large screen in front of them where he was scrolling through game options. "Is this where you tell me about wanting to get all up Mercedes? 'Cause dude, we allllll know. Everyone has seen the heart eyes you make at her in Glee club. No need to seek approval, bro. The Puckster approves of some generous chocolate curves."

"No! It's not that… well it is. Sorta."

"No one can deny that ass, boy. No one."

Sam's eyes went dreamy for a minute, "Oh god, I know." A sigh escaped his throat. "Wait, no! Stop looking at Cedes' ass, Puckerman!" The dark haired boy chuckled at his friend's protective response. "Listen, I really like her. And I want to ask her to prom, but there is a problem. She and her best friend decided they were gonna go together without dates way at the beginning of the school year and Cedes is like _set_ on it." Sam scrubbed his hand through his floppy hair.

"Sounds like you're shit out of luck, man. Why would they decide that so long ago?"

Sam shrugged. "I guess they didn't think anyone would ask them. So, I was thinking maybe I could propose a business arrangement."

The serious tone in Sam's voice had Puck setting down the video game controller and turning on the couch to face his buddy. "I'm listening."

"Well Finn is taking Rachel, Mike has Tina, and Artie asked that chick with the annoying voice and more money than brains…" Sam paused hoping Puck would catch his drift, but he just stared back at Sam waiting. "So, I was hoping maybe I could convince you to ask Lauren to go with you, so Cedes would be free to go with me." He waited for a response, but was met with more silence. "I could make it worth your while," he added quickly.

Puck picked up the controller and turned back to the TV without a sound. After a few moments of awkward silence he spoke up, "Puck is not a prostitute, bro. I am not gonna get paid to take out some chick."

"No no, it's not even like that!" Sam was talking really fast now. "I have some money save up in my White Chocolate fund. I would give you some to cover the prom expenses, just so you wouldn't have to shell out anything. And then I thought maybe I would just help you clean some pools. You know, to build up your LA seed money again. Just as a friend…" he paused, "doing another friend a _favor_."

They both heard the clamoring at the top of the stairs indicating that the other boys would be back in a few seconds. Puck still didn't turn to face his friend. "I am gonna make a list of questions I need you to get answers to and you're gonna need to set up a way I can meet her sometime this week."

Mike and Finn and Artie didn't even question why Sam was up off the couch punching the air with a shout of "Yes!" Sometimes it was better not to ask.

Sam looked at the list and then back at Puck then back at the list with his eyes wide. "How the hell am I supposed to find this stuff out Puck? Huh? Number three, how long has it been she she's gotten any? Jesus!" Sam slumped back against the closed locker next to Puck's.

"I dunno bro, not my problem. That's just stuff I need to know so I can know what angle to take. Normally I would do my own recon work and have this shit figured out on my own if it was a chick I was eyeing up, but we've got a fast turnaround here dude, if you want this prom thing to happen."

"Why does it even matter if she owns any black panties, Puck?"

"Oh trust me, it matters. I dunno, man, try to get Cedes to help you answer the questions. You gotta work your own game too. Don't think Sexy Mama is just gonna say yes cause you gave her that dopey ass, I-just-had-a-stroke, lopsided grin."

Sam sighed and shoved the crumpled list into the pocket of his jeans. Puck was right, at least about the last part. He did need to prove himself to Mercedes. "Fine," he said with an exasperated huff. "I'll do my best, but this better work."

Puck smiled to himself when he walked into Glee rehearsal that afternoon and found Sam and Mercedes with their chairs pushed ridiculously close together and whispering in hushed tones. Mercedes eyes flew to him when he walked into the room and he quirked an eyebrow at her. He had no idea what Sam was going to share with Mercedes about their arrangement, so he would keep his behavior as normal as possible.

Sam clapped a hand on his back as they walked out of the rehearsal. "Wednesday after Lauren's practice, we're all gonna go get pizza together. I told Cedes that you have a huge crush on Lauren and want to ask her out, but are too nervous. Hope that is okay." By this point Sam was already starting to trot down the hall away from Puck and his eyes that were flashing with anger. "I'll get you your list ASAP, bro!" he called over his shoulder. Sam's shoulders shook with the laugh he was trying to hold in when he saw Puck spin on his heel and storm out of the building.

Puck grumbled the whole way to his truck. "Pretty boy thinks he's funny. Like anyone would believe the Puckasauras was scared to ask _any_ chick out. Dude is blowing his cover before he even starts."

For the next 48 hours Puck grumbled with every time his cell phone chimed to indicate a new text message.

-She dumped her last boyfriend 6 months ago. Not the hook up type, so it's been at least that long since she "got some." -S-

-Whatever you do, do not question her badassness. Apparently it's a thing. -S-

-Cedes say if I don't stop talking about panties she is gonna get a restraining order. Your black panties theory is on you, bro. –S-

"Come on Lo, this is really important to me. I think I could actually really like this guy."

Lauren let out an exaggerated sigh and threw herself back on her bed. Mercedes had busted out the besties only nickname which Lauren knew meant business. "Okay, okay. I will go. But what does it matter what I wear if am basically gonna be a chaperone?" Mercedes was digging through Lauren's closet, bound and determined to put together an outfit she would approve of.

Mercedes stuck her head out from between two very loudly patterned hoodies. "Um… 'cause… Samisactuallybringingafriend alongwithhimtoo," she sputtered out and quickly ducking back into the large closet, hiding amongst the clothes. Mercedes definitely wasn't going to tell Lauren that it was Puck coming along or that Sam had confided in her that Puck was harboring a crush on Lauren. Mercedes was well aware of Puck's reputation, and while she knew him through Glee club and was acquainted with his sweet side, she was confident that Lauren would not be quite so accepting.

Lauren bolted upright in the bed. "Pardon me while I steal one of your lines, Merce, but… Oh hell to the nizzy no! I am not going on some blind date with a stranger so you can get your mack on. Do you not remember the disaster of Date Night 2011? I am still traumatized."

Mercedes hopped out of the closet clutching a knee length denim skirt and a red tank top. "It's not even like that! I just thought maybe you would like someone to talk to in case Sam and I hit it off." Lauren quirked an eyebrow at her friend in move that seemed oddly familiar to Mercedes. "Not in a dirty way, in the engrossed in conversation kinda way! I know how much you hate being a third wheel. I was only thinking of you, Lo!" Mercedes stuck out her bottom lip and shot Lauren the most pathetic puppy dog face she had ever seen.

Lauren snatched the outfit from her friend's hand. "How benevolent of you. You owe me at least three batches of cookies and an invite the next time your brother has all his hot friends over for a Call of Duty marathon." Mercedes couldn't help but do a little booty-shimmying victory dance.

Sitting in the booth at the pizza place next to Sam, Puck got weirdly nervous. _I should have looked this chick up on facebook. Pre-date stalking is like what facebook was made for! _The knots in his stomach were just about to make him shove Sam from the bench and make a break for it when his friend started virtually vibrating. "Dude! Dude, they're here." He turned his face toward his friend and punched him in the arm. "Be cool, man. No douchenozzle Puck right now, okay?"

Puck opened his mouth to respond at the same time he saw them head towards the booth. Mercedes was grinning at the pair of boys, showing off her my-dad-the-dentist dazzling white smile, but Puck's eye was caught by the swish of denim, the sway of a hip, the subtle jiggle of her breasts. He had to close his eyes to allow his brain enough focus to remember how to breathe. Mercedes motioned for Lauren to slide into the booth first, to allow her to be across from Puck, and much like Sam had done, to trap her friend at the table.

Puck was studying her face, the icy gray blue of her eyes, but Mercedes' voice snapped him out of his daze. "Sam, Puck… this is my best friend Lauren. Lauren, this is Sam and Puck. They are in Glee club with me." Lauren shrugged in response before a swift kick to the shins changed her mind.

"Hey guys, nice to meet you," Lauren managed unconvincingly. Lauren and Puck were locked in what appeared to be a stare down. Eyebrows furrowed, studying each other.

"Why is your hair wet? Freak rain storm?" Puck asked.

"No, no! Nothing like that. Lauren just came from wrestling practice, right Lauren?" Mercedes interjected hoping to break the tension.

The mention of wrestling practice flicked the switch on the lightbulb in Lauren's head. "Nope. Nuh nuh. Not happening. Get up Cedes, I am outtie."

Mercedes looked at her friend like she was on drugs. She leaned over and whispered harshly to her friend. "Have you left your damned mind? What is the issue here?"

Lauren just shook her head. "Nope, I recognize this fool now. We had a little run-in before."

Puck looked thoroughly confused but bit back his instinct to strike back at the girl thanks to the pleading look Sam was giving him. "Hey, I don't know what you mean, babe. Let's just eat some pizza and relax okay? When did we meet before anyway?"

"Babe? Oh, fancy that you don't remember. You were a hell of a lot scrawnier then and that _thing_ on your head was nearly so offensive back then. But I can't believe you could forget about our little roll around in the gym. Eight grade?" Puck's blank face indicated he didn't know what she was talking about. "Wrestling tryouts?"

Sam felt like he was going to barf. Of course Lauren had been one of the girls Puck humped and dumped. He was an idiot for not checking these things out more carefully. But then he watched the recognition dawn across his friend's face as the same time the most flaming red blush crept up his cheeks.

"Nope, not ringing a bell," Puck lied through his teeth.

"Oh, yeah? Let me remind you then." Lauren ignored Mercedes's squeeze to her knee. "End of eighth grade and everyone was trying out for a spot on the freshman wrestling team. People got paired up to wrestle against each other and you got stuck with me. You were actually not that bad of a wrestler till your little… _situation_ popped up so to speak." Sam and Mercedes' mouths were both hanging open and Puck refused to make eye contact with anyone. "So I do what anyone would do and jump away from the unwelcomed boner poking me in the ass. You couldn't hide it so you made some big joke about it. _'The wrestling stylings of El Puckerone'_ If I remember correctly. All the other boys lost their shit laughing. The coaches brought that stupid incident up every single time I was fighting for my spot on the team. 'That is a prime example of why we can't have women wrestlers, blah blah blah.' Your stupid boner cost me my entire freshman season just fighting for my rightful place on the team."

Puck looked down at his hands on the table. Sam held his breath waiting for the drama he was sure would ensue once Puck opened his mouth. "Yeah, about that… I'm really sorry." Puck finally looked up to meet her gaze. "That was really stupid of me. The being a douchebag about it and working all the other guys up like it was a comedy show. The boner I can't apologize for, 'cause I was like what? Fourteen. Fourteen year old dudes plus getting to touch hot girl ass always equals a boner. At least for me it did. But yeah, sorry about that."

Now it was Lauren's turn to sit slack-jawed. The silence was thick. Mercedes finally spoke up. "God, who doesn't have an unfortunate boner story in their past! Who wants pepperoni?" with way too much bubbly pep in her voice.

The other three dissolved into riotous laughter. Sam laughed till he snorted and Puck had to wipe the tears from his eyes with his napkin. Lauren laughed so hard no more sound was coming out, she just shook with the force of silent, gut-busting laughs. Once Sam could breathe again, he looked over at the beautiful girl across from him, "Please Cedes, let's hear allllll about your unfortunate boners. It's only fair since Puck's was already outed."

Mercedes rolled her eyes at her friends. "Ya'll are crazy, you know that, right?."


End file.
